Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Pathetic Paranoia

You make think I'm weak for letting silly nightmares get to me. I swear I'm not. When you have violent gory nightmares night after night you will start to feel the same way. Paranoid. Lock the door. Load the pistol. Close the drapes. 

When you pass someone outside of the home, make eye contact to make sure they know they do not want to fuck with me. I cannot sit in a public resturant without being able to see all my exits. I have to know where I will go if something happens. Before recently, I used to always keep a overnight bag under my bed and one in my car. Ready to go if I need to get out for any reason. Paranoid something bad is sure to happen. 

The more frequent the dreams, the harder it is to control my paranoia. Lately, I haven't even wanted to leave the house and not just because it's hot, humid, and usually stormy. I'm scared I'll run into danger, I'll run into something I cannot escape from. 

In reality it's my own head I'm trying to escape from but since I cannot control that I guess I'll just be that crazy lady who everyone has on their own block. You know the one? The crazy lady who never buys any girl scout cookies without scaring all the girls away because she answers the door shotgun first. Her garage door closes before she's even out of her car after she parks it inside. 

I'll end up a hermit. All alone because I never leave my home. I know I'm not quite to hermit level of paranoia because I still desire to leave the house. I get pretty bad cabin fever after enough time indoors. I haven't been to the movies in over a year though. I can't stand movie theaters, being stuck in the dark with limited exits that will surely be crowded if your not sitting in the neck crane section. 

I guess reading over this, I really do sound crazy. I promise I'm not. Just pathetic. 

Pathetic indeed. 

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